Kota Ibushi vs Bad
Luck Fale
It’s probably hard for a young man like Kota Ibushi to understand
why these asssholes just can’t leave him alone. They were friends of his partner,
but that relationship didn’t last because when you’re young and impossibly handsome
you aren’t gonna let yourself get tied down, especially because that partner is
getting involved in some shady shit, fleecing marks and selling promises to the
rich young boy who he introduced to you last summer when you were out there
fucking around just for the love of the game, and you’ve evolved, matured,
finally taken a stand, put down roots and all the other clichés that you swore
you’d never get taken by, and now your partner’s leftover friends are trying to
get you high and sneak into Area 51 or maybe get you to make some fucked up
videos with Pieter, and you ghost them because they’re pretty creepy, but they
still won’t leave you the fuck alone, and now you’ve got a walrus in human form
putting his stink on you and you wish they would all just go away. But they
never go away, Kota, and so you had to get the pigs involved, and you may have
survived today but next time maybe they will fuck you up when it’s dark and you
don’t know these people really, and Kenny never really protected you because he
didn’t understand that these people are real degenerates, and that a handsome
boy like you won’t last long on his own. But you’re safe. For now. You will be
celebrated and will probably forget that this ever happened, mostly because
your brains have been reduced to little more than some rancid cheese and an impulse
to fuck your way out of trouble. You’ll go a long way with a mind like that in
these strange and terrible times, but never forget that there are people out
there like Fale who don’t give a fuck who you were with last summer, or where
you’ll be tomorrow. Don’t try to reconnect with Kenny, because you have to
remember that he’s the one who befriended these monsters, and I wouldn’t be
surprised if he gave you some sort of dick disease and no one needs that.
Will Ospreay vs Zack
Sabre Jr.
The battle of the obnoxious white boys was pretty much what
you would have expected it to be, which means that ZSJ did a bunch of hokey
shit that’s meant to look like a secret fighting art and Ospreay posed and flipped
a bit and you know whether you like this shit or whether you don’t, and I can’t
really say anything because both these dudes exist in a sort of half-acceptable
state of being where they do a lot of shit that is “fun” and then they do a
bunch of shit that is maybe not so fun, like Ospreay’s bleating or ZSJ’s tendency
to look as if he’s about to get Rickets or some shit. That is a situation that
could play out obnoxiously, but all in all they both reined in some of their more
shittier ways, which I was afraid would be encouraged by their mutual DRAMA
JAZZ HANDS style of playing their pro wrestling characters instead of just
being pro wrestlers if that makes any sense and if it doesn’t, you can go fuck
yourself. I don’t need to deal with this shit. But, all in all they did what they
were gonna do, and you either are hot for that or you’re not.
Kazuchika Okada vs
Lance Archer
I want to start a pro wrestling show starring Lance Archer
as the epitome of the American dream, have him be a spokesperson that today’s
kids can look up to, reminding them that everybody does indeed die and that you
should all just shut up and let him cook that sweet meth. He is just a force of
nature and I don’t know what in the fuck he’s been doing but he should do more
of it, terrifying young fans like some fucked up ogre and beating the shit out
of bystanders.
It’s crazy that I’m mad that he didn’t beat Okada. Okada
probably doesn’t feel like he deserved to beat Lance Archer. That’s how strong
this dude is bringing his energy. He is a psychotic monster, and he keeps
breaking out crazy shit just because he can and it’s so much fun to watch him
just rampage through these matches, like he decided he no longer had a single
fuck to give. Everybody dies, you know, and Lance Archer knows it too and he
doesn’t give a fuck, and Okada is lucky that he didn’t just tear up the entire
arena, screaming at children and fucking their moms and beating up their dads.
That is what a champion is made of.
KENTA vs Sanada
I feel for KENTA. I really do. The uglier it gets, the more
he’s told to fuck off, I feel that little fuck you hate shard in my heart, and
the only thing he can really do at this point is just embrace the hate, embrace
the shrill rejection he meets at every show, let it burn into him and then kick
everyone in their faces so hard that their cheekbones splinter and crumble into
dust.
But I also feel for Sanada, who doesn’t need to deal with
whatever drama KENTA has going on. He just wants to go out there and wrestle and
be handsome and not have angry failures come at him like this. He just wants to
flip and fuck some ring rats, growing out his beard even though no one likes it
because he can do it, it’s a power thing, he’s so handsome that he can mutilate
himself and still fuck regular.
That handsome insouciance is probably even more grating to
KENTA, who is all fucked up and short, nobody likes him, and then he’s got to
sit there and watch Sanada preen to his bitches, not really caring which one
sucks him off because he’s already fucked them all anyway, and KENTA knows he
has a small dick and that makes him even angrier. KENTA can fuck, he’s made
himself a fucking machine, and yet, there’s Sanada, casually pulling his penis
out at breakfast, just airing it out for everyone to see, and they like it, and
KENTA can’t fuck the pain away, but who among us can?
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs
Evil
Man, I really wanted my boy Evil to get this one, but I can’t
knock the Ace, who keeps playing that wounded possum before stealing everyone’s
souls again and again and again. It’s gonna be shitty to watch Tana break down
physically, and no one wants him to be in pain, maybe a little bitter because
the white boys took off with half the show, but what this match made me realize,
or remember I guess, is that Tanahashi is so good at the non-physical things,
the beats and rhythms that make wrestling what it is, and with every year and
every tournament it gets more interesting to see how he plays with those beats
to make up for not having any cartilage left in his knees. The emotional resonance
that Tana has with those ladies in the crowd is something that can’t be copied
because it is essential to who he is, you know? He is just that guy, and that
will keep him as the Ace even when his body is done with him. I’m just happy I
can watch him be that guy still and even if he ends up in a wheelchair, he can
still air guitar and get the young lions to wash his balls, and that’s about
all any of us can ask for.
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