Juice Robinson vs
Toru Yano
Every Yano match is a poem, most of the time small, rarely
epic, but it is in the small poems that true beauty and art is often found. Watching
Yano is like watching a drunk slurring and slipping his way through a party,
never stopping, always rolling on a wave that never breaks if he doesn’t stop
riding it. He didn’t beat Juice Robinson, but that is hardly the point. Toru
Yano exists in a plane beyond this one, and he is always laughing, always
moving, always floating to the next match where he will do it again and it never
stops and this is how the universe manifests itself.
Hirooki Goto vs
Taichi
Poor Goto is broken yet again, while Taichi takes what he
wants and Miho Abe and I slip away for a minute. I don’t think Goto can come
back from this, but where does he go now? He’s already broken himself down to
be an avatar for Shibata, but ghosts aren’t real baby, and now he’s just a dude
who tried to do all the right things, train the right way, but it’s all lost and
an insolent piece of shit like Taichi doesn’t care about any of that. He’s just
gonna take advantage of Goto and leave him lying in defeat wondering what to do
next. That is just the way shit goes sometimes in this fucked up world of ours.
Taichi bringing the kicks is always good, and if fiendish
insolence is what it takes to ooze your way up the card and win the love of
Miho Abe, then I say more power to him. I don’t have much else to say about
this other than that Miho Abe and I should probably fuck.
Jon Moxley vs Shingo
Takagi
Can we just accept that Moxley is actually really good now? The
knee work and the ring post figure four was so Bret Hart, and it’s just like
this dude channels all your favorite pro wrestlers and mixes it with his own
unique energy, and yeah, I’m excited to see what he does next. His energy is
one thing, but there is substance underneath it all. He’s like a chameleon,
adapting to whatever the color of the day is, and so some days you’re gonna get
the walking brawls and on other days you’re gonna get figure fours and then he’ll
headbutt you or light you on fire, and man, this is just a dude who understands
what pro wrestling is and can be, and he has enough physical tools to go with
the mental part of it, and this is the wrestler people have been waiting for
ever since he first showed up in WWE and it’s okay to get excited about things,
guys, it really is.
Jeff Cobb vs Jay
White
Jay White’s villainy is *kisses fingers* and that is always
going to go a long way towards making any of his matches work. But he’s also
good at the throws and all that shit, and I think it’s crazy that people think
he isn’t any good or whatever the fuck because he has a sense of movement and
timing that allows all of his shit to look really sudden. Even with a dude who’s
bulky like Jeff Cobb, he knows how to flow with the weight and make it look
good and you can’t ask for much more than that, right?
I really feel like I should like Jeff Cobb more than I do,
but there is just something missing with him. The throws are fine and strong
man is strong, but I don’t know what it is, it just seems like he’s always the
worst part of these matches. I didn’t expect that, but I don’t really know how
to explain it because he’s not, like, doing bad out there or anything, he’s
just there, filling that gaijin hoss role and it’s perfectly fine I guess, it
just doesn’t get my dick hard and that’s okay. That’s okay. Miho Abe, we’ll try
again later.
Tomohiro Ishii vs
Tetsuya Naito
This was everything you expected it to be, and there were
moments when the shrieks of the fans became so loud that it sounded like radio
interference or some shit, and that’s when you know a hot time is going down in
Japan, baby.
By now, Ishii’s DNA should just be coded into the G1 for
eternity because it is his tournament, whether he wins or loses, every year, and
I don’t know how the fuck this dude can keep doing this because he looks like a
fucking potato. He moves like my uncle who is 59 and has had a heart attack.
And yet, there he is, doing Ishii things again and again and again and the crowd
just gets so fucking worked up.
Naito is perfect at being Naito, and Tranquillo holds the day,
as it should every day because life is just so fucking dumb most of the time
and all you can do is just say fuck it and Tranquillo baby. Take that insouciance
and let it flow around the uncompromising stone pitbull of Ishii and you’re
always gonna have something magical. You knew they would get there and they
did, and there’s really not much else to say other than I want to watch them do
it a million more times in a million little different ways and then we can all
just give ourselves to the pandemonium of the G1 as echoed by the cascading
shrieks from the crowd and Miho Abe’s Neilgasm.
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