G1 A Block Gibberish Day Six?

Kota Ibushi vs Bad Luck Fale

It’s probably hard for a young man like Kota Ibushi to understand why these asssholes just can’t leave him alone. They were friends of his partner, but that relationship didn’t last because when you’re young and impossibly handsome you aren’t gonna let yourself get tied down, especially because that partner is getting involved in some shady shit, fleecing marks and selling promises to the rich young boy who he introduced to you last summer when you were out there fucking around just for the love of the game, and you’ve evolved, matured, finally taken a stand, put down roots and all the other clichés that you swore you’d never get taken by, and now your partner’s leftover friends are trying to get you high and sneak into Area 51 or maybe get you to make some fucked up videos with Pieter, and you ghost them because they’re pretty creepy, but they still won’t leave you the fuck alone, and now you’ve got a walrus in human form putting his stink on you and you wish they would all just go away. But they never go away, Kota, and so you had to get the pigs involved, and you may have survived today but next time maybe they will fuck you up when it’s dark and you don’t know these people really, and Kenny never really protected you because he didn’t understand that these people are real degenerates, and that a handsome boy like you won’t last long on his own. But you’re safe. For now. You will be celebrated and will probably forget that this ever happened, mostly because your brains have been reduced to little more than some rancid cheese and an impulse to fuck your way out of trouble. You’ll go a long way with a mind like that in these strange and terrible times, but never forget that there are people out there like Fale who don’t give a fuck who you were with last summer, or where you’ll be tomorrow. Don’t try to reconnect with Kenny, because you have to remember that he’s the one who befriended these monsters, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave you some sort of dick disease and no one needs that.

Will Ospreay vs Zack Sabre Jr.

The battle of the obnoxious white boys was pretty much what you would have expected it to be, which means that ZSJ did a bunch of hokey shit that’s meant to look like a secret fighting art and Ospreay posed and flipped a bit and you know whether you like this shit or whether you don’t, and I can’t really say anything because both these dudes exist in a sort of half-acceptable state of being where they do a lot of shit that is “fun” and then they do a bunch of shit that is maybe not so fun, like Ospreay’s bleating or ZSJ’s tendency to look as if he’s about to get Rickets or some shit. That is a situation that could play out obnoxiously, but all in all they both reined in some of their more shittier ways, which I was afraid would be encouraged by their mutual DRAMA JAZZ HANDS style of playing their pro wrestling characters instead of just being pro wrestlers if that makes any sense and if it doesn’t, you can go fuck yourself. I don’t need to deal with this shit. But, all in all they did what they were gonna do, and you either are hot for that or you’re not.

Kazuchika Okada vs Lance Archer

I want to start a pro wrestling show starring Lance Archer as the epitome of the American dream, have him be a spokesperson that today’s kids can look up to, reminding them that everybody does indeed die and that you should all just shut up and let him cook that sweet meth. He is just a force of nature and I don’t know what in the fuck he’s been doing but he should do more of it, terrifying young fans like some fucked up ogre and beating the shit out of bystanders.

It’s crazy that I’m mad that he didn’t beat Okada. Okada probably doesn’t feel like he deserved to beat Lance Archer. That’s how strong this dude is bringing his energy. He is a psychotic monster, and he keeps breaking out crazy shit just because he can and it’s so much fun to watch him just rampage through these matches, like he decided he no longer had a single fuck to give. Everybody dies, you know, and Lance Archer knows it too and he doesn’t give a fuck, and Okada is lucky that he didn’t just tear up the entire arena, screaming at children and fucking their moms and beating up their dads. That is what a champion is made of.

KENTA vs Sanada

I feel for KENTA. I really do. The uglier it gets, the more he’s told to fuck off, I feel that little fuck you hate shard in my heart, and the only thing he can really do at this point is just embrace the hate, embrace the shrill rejection he meets at every show, let it burn into him and then kick everyone in their faces so hard that their cheekbones splinter and crumble into dust.

But I also feel for Sanada, who doesn’t need to deal with whatever drama KENTA has going on. He just wants to go out there and wrestle and be handsome and not have angry failures come at him like this. He just wants to flip and fuck some ring rats, growing out his beard even though no one likes it because he can do it, it’s a power thing, he’s so handsome that he can mutilate himself and still fuck regular.

That handsome insouciance is probably even more grating to KENTA, who is all fucked up and short, nobody likes him, and then he’s got to sit there and watch Sanada preen to his bitches, not really caring which one sucks him off because he’s already fucked them all anyway, and KENTA knows he has a small dick and that makes him even angrier. KENTA can fuck, he’s made himself a fucking machine, and yet, there’s Sanada, casually pulling his penis out at breakfast, just airing it out for everyone to see, and they like it, and KENTA can’t fuck the pain away, but who among us can?

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Evil

Man, I really wanted my boy Evil to get this one, but I can’t knock the Ace, who keeps playing that wounded possum before stealing everyone’s souls again and again and again. It’s gonna be shitty to watch Tana break down physically, and no one wants him to be in pain, maybe a little bitter because the white boys took off with half the show, but what this match made me realize, or remember I guess, is that Tanahashi is so good at the non-physical things, the beats and rhythms that make wrestling what it is, and with every year and every tournament it gets more interesting to see how he plays with those beats to make up for not having any cartilage left in his knees. The emotional resonance that Tana has with those ladies in the crowd is something that can’t be copied because it is essential to who he is, you know? He is just that guy, and that will keep him as the Ace even when his body is done with him. I’m just happy I can watch him be that guy still and even if he ends up in a wheelchair, he can still air guitar and get the young lions to wash his balls, and that’s about all any of us can ask for.

G1 B Block Gibberish Day 5

Hirooki Goto vs Toru Yano

Goto subverting Yano’s own trickery with a rollup of his own was a nice twist, and proves that even if you are having a shitty tournament you can at least have fun with your friends, and who doesn’t like the wholesome embrace of friendship in these strange and terrible times? For Goto, a win is a win at this point and as for Yano, well,  Yano doesn’t need to be troubled by wins and losses, it is just all about having fun with his friends and getting to go back to the locker room knowing that his friend is happy. Is it at his expense? Sure, but when you’ve already conquered yourself and achieved ego death you can let that sort of thing go. Yano will be waiting for Goto in the Bardo with a smile and a DVD.

Juice Robinson vs Tomohiro Ishii

The thing about Ishii is that he forces his opponent to give everything of himself in his matches to hang with him, and the thing about Juice is that he is willing to give himself totally to wrestling, and that means you get a match like this. Ishii will let you hit him but he’ll also then hit you a bunch in the throat and also with his head on your head and Juice is a dude no one wanted so he had to come to Japan and give himself totally to its ways which means that he is absolutely down for whatever.

Juice can hang with the big boys and it is kind of crazy to consider Ishii as one of the big boys, but he has earned that I think. Not everyone is made to be champion, but you can still make a name for yourself and a reputation as someone who can be counted on to bring the requisite drama and energy needed to make matches feel special. Ishii is a 5’4” potato who looks like he had his neck stolen by grave robbers and yet I also can believe he is the toughest man alive. That is the beauty and power of pro wrestling when it’s done by people who know what it is and can be. Juice looks like a dude who got caught sucking off people for merch at a summer festival and yet he is a loved man in Japan, a place where his loud buffoonery is an affront to everything those people hold dear, And yet, fans are enraptured by a fight between him and a 5’4” potato. Could this happen anywhere else? Probably not, but that is why New Japan Pro Wrestling is what it is and why I could win the heart of Miho Abe.

Jeff Cobb vs Taichi

Speaking of Miho Abe, Jeff Cobb is a dullard and a fool and how dare he tell her to “stay” like an animal why she is just minding her own business and thinking about me while these two idiots fight in their underwear?

Taichi losing yet again should not be a surprise given that he was probably one of the last dudes to get into the tournament, but it’s not like he’s embarrassing himself out there or anything. I imagine his life is pretty chill. He’s decently attractive, he has nice women following him around and he doesn’t have to kill himself for the love and acceptance of all the peons out there who demand he break himself for fleeting glory. That is staying ahead of the game by not really playing it except for when you have to, and unfortunately sometimes that means that you get caught out by a fat dude from Guam who wouldn’t know what to do with Miho Abe anyway. Tomorrow he’ll still get up, say some problematic things, maybe even piss while sitting down because a man should find the time to enjoy himself and not worry about pissing on the toilet seat or even the floor if its early and you can’t really get your bearings all the way.

Jeff Cobb, meanwhile, needed a win here or risk being seen as a wasteful failure and so in the yin and yang of life, one dude wins and another loses and they both get what they need out of the experience, and we should be happy for them both.

Shingo Takagi vs Jay White

Okay, I’ll admit that I nodded off in between the end of the last match and the start of this one and had to go back and watch it again, but that is not an indictment on the matches or the quality of this fine G1 but more because I just got caught out in the high stakes game of drug addiction where you push yourself too far sometimes and end up paying the price for poor choices, and if that payment is simply falling asleep on the couch while watching pro wrestling, that is really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, what does that have to do with this match? Nothing, other than it was a thing that happened while I was watching this and I believe in letting you know where my head is at, but I went back and watched it and it was a pretty good time. Jay White’s insolence even in the face of humiliation remains an inspiration to narcissistic sociopaths everywhere, and his delusions of grandeur make for compelling theater in these sultry summer nights. And Shingo is a dude who will hit you real hard and look like a sleazy 80s villain and in this there is all the elements you need for a quality pro wrestling match in the year of our lord 2019.

Anyway, we should all be excited for Jay White to hang on here and cheat his way back to a reckoning with Okada, which is probably where this is all headed, and enjoy the journey along the way as dudes try to beat the shit out of him simply because he out-dicked them all.

Tetsuya Naito vs Jon Moxley

Big energy for this one and at the very least you have to admire the boys in the back who run things for their willingness to just roll with a dude who probably isn’t signed long term or anything, but that is all dumb business talk and I’m not sure we should get into all that shit.

What we should be talking about is that Jon Moxley just spiked Tetsuya Naito right on his head to put himself in a commanding position in the block. Moxley continues to bring a unique energy that no one else seems capable of bringing these days and in New Japan especially you can appreciate just how physically “real” this dude is. I mean, he’s a legit 6’4” during a time when it’s hard to find dudes even cracking the 6’ line, and he has a sort of lean raw-boned old school Ted DiBiase like build that lends itself well to the G1 grind. You can absolutely buy that he is a hard dude to handle out there, all of which sets up well for Juice getting his revenge on him on the last day of the G1 which is really where this whole thing is probably headed, right?

But again, that is all just dumb nerd talk that shouldn’t overlook the sublimity of these matches that he is having. I don’t think he is a five star machine or anything, but what he is, is a dude who can hold up his own end of things which combined with his unique energy makes him a whole hell of a lot of fun to watch, especially against a dude like Naito, who’s own energy is all about subverting the manic energy of a dude like Moxley. In a situation like that, one dude is gonna have to get head spiked, and in this case, that was Naito, who takes one for the team while all that Big Mox Energy brings all the pussies to the yard.

But we’re halfway through the G1 and both blocks have clear alphas, and yet I’m not sure that either Moxley or Okada walks away with this thing, which just makes it all the more exciting. All I know is that someone will probably end up paralyzed and someone else will end up crossing ethical lines that get the Bixes of the world all het up and really, what more could you ask from your professional wrestling?

G1 A Block Gibberish Day 5?

Kota Ibushi vs Lance Archer

Lance Archer is what I would probably will myself into being if I were a professional wrestler. He has taken his EVERYBODY DIES aesthetic to the place where anything he was before is disintegrated by the power of his American Psycho speed freak persona, which is a powerful thing, and it sucks sometimes because it’s too powerful and you end up burning, running naked through the cornfields or playgrounds and people are revolted by you but what they are really revolted by is that they can’t contain you, can’t own you. Lance Archer is not safe, not even close, and everything he does feels real and true and everybody dies, even Archer, slain by a bared knee, but you have really got to be willing to do what needs to be done just to run with him, then to hunt him, and then to kill him. Kota Ibushi is a sick man and would dismember Lance Archer if that’s what it takes, but Archer is a free spirit, burning through these woods and I doubt he gives a fuck who lives and who dies, so long as in the end, everyone eventually does.

Will Ospreay vs Bad Luck Fale

Ospreay still has too many goofy mannerisms for me, but I recognize that I am not the majority voice here. This match was what it always was going to be, everyone played their parts right, Pieter’s ass was basically naked, or maybe that was earlier in the show, I don’t know, but fuck it, it’s all the same to me. Everyone had a good time, and Red Shoes got to fuck with Fale, which is always fun. It is good that a man of high morals is out there to make sure these shenanigans don’t get too cute, but you have to let Pieter express herself, she is an artist and I don’t care what the rules are Red Shoes, art needs to be appreciated.

Evil vs Zack Sabre Jr.

ZSJ kinda feels like last year’s toy and now it’s old news and somebody should probably at least make sure he won’t end up getting sold to some Saudi investors or whatever. Evil just powering out of his nimby little holds, shaming him and leaving him a quivering nerd, a disappointment to old man Suzuki, who has a wild Archer and an insolent Taichi to make him proud while the soft English boy gets his little tricks shit on, is a harsh reminder that little Zack is still just an upjumped scarecrow. This is a hard world, and just because someone said you had a nice dick doesn’t mean that you can just assume that you’re good to go from here on out. There will always be harder dicks, bigger dicks, better dicks, and so you can’t just get lazy because you got some compliments. You have to figure out how to make that dick work for you, to work for her or him or whoever the fuck you are sticking it into. A nice penis isn’t anything if you don’t get those hips moving. That’s what ZSJ needs to think about right now.

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Sanada

As much as I would like to see Sanada take a step forward, I also have to admit that it’s nice to see Ace go like this still while he can. I don’t have a lot to say about this match, other than it was wholesome and good, as you would expect from Tanahashi, and while he’s still who he is, I suppose Sanada is right to allow him this instead of spitting acid in his face and transforming himself into the uber Muta, but that is something he will need to make a move on before the candle goes out on him and he just ends up being a hollow man like everyone else.

Kazuchika Okada vs KENTA

Shit, man, I am a KENTA dude. I think that is because I identify with him being a dude who made some poor choices and is now forced to fight his way back into the party. Is he the legend that everyone made him out to be? No, but none of us are. At least not the picture perfect version of it. KENTA is a broken dude, and he is leaning into the hate, and I admire that. He isn’t what he was back in the day, but that dude isn’t real. That’s just a memory, an idea of what the past was, idealized. What he is, though, is a dude who will lean into the hate, into the shitty takes and kick harder and fuck everyone else man.

Okada is the perfect warrior, in his prime, unquestioned king, and a dude like KENTA had to be put down because there can be no whispers about who the real master is. That’s the way the world works. It’s harsh and cruel, but we are harsh and cruel. You have to just smile at the king and let him be the king and all that means, but it doesn’t mean that you need to give yourself away, you just have to look for a better way to make yourself known. Now I’m not saying that has to be kicking Okada’s head in while your boys duct tape his boys, but I’m not *not* saying that either.

Look, I like Okada. He is The Man. But I feel for a dude like KENTA. I understand a dude like KENTA. I am KENTA just like I’m Lance Archer and why are you clicking away in disgust? KENTA will never win this game, but that’s okay, neither will I. He is still going to kick people really hard and slap them with such insolent violence and so will I because fuck your kingdom, man. I’m just here for the drugs and the women, and when they both run out KENTA and I will go to the fire and people will say that we were failures, but that’s okay because people are shit, and we’ll just burn because that’s what we did when we were alive.