Hirooki Goto vs Toru
Yano
Goto subverting Yano’s own trickery with a rollup of his own
was a nice twist, and proves that even if you are having a shitty tournament you
can at least have fun with your friends, and who doesn’t like the wholesome embrace
of friendship in these strange and terrible times? For Goto, a win is a win at
this point and as for Yano, well, Yano
doesn’t need to be troubled by wins and losses, it is just all about having fun
with his friends and getting to go back to the locker room knowing that his
friend is happy. Is it at his expense? Sure, but when you’ve already conquered
yourself and achieved ego death you can let that sort of thing go. Yano will be
waiting for Goto in the Bardo with a smile and a DVD.
Juice Robinson vs
Tomohiro Ishii
The thing about Ishii is that he forces his opponent to give
everything of himself in his matches to hang with him, and the thing about
Juice is that he is willing to give himself totally to wrestling, and that
means you get a match like this. Ishii will let you hit him but he’ll also then
hit you a bunch in the throat and also with his head on your head and Juice is
a dude no one wanted so he had to come to Japan and give himself totally to its
ways which means that he is absolutely down for whatever.
Juice can hang with the big boys and it is kind of crazy to
consider Ishii as one of the big boys, but he has earned that I think. Not
everyone is made to be champion, but you can still make a name for yourself and
a reputation as someone who can be counted on to bring the requisite drama and
energy needed to make matches feel special. Ishii is a 5’4” potato who looks
like he had his neck stolen by grave robbers and yet I also can believe he is
the toughest man alive. That is the beauty and power of pro wrestling when it’s
done by people who know what it is and can be. Juice looks like a dude who got
caught sucking off people for merch at a summer festival and yet he is a loved
man in Japan, a place where his loud buffoonery is an affront to everything
those people hold dear, And yet, fans are enraptured by a fight between him and
a 5’4” potato. Could this happen anywhere else? Probably not, but that is why
New Japan Pro Wrestling is what it is and why I could win the heart of Miho
Abe.
Jeff Cobb vs Taichi
Speaking of Miho Abe, Jeff Cobb is a dullard and a fool and
how dare he tell her to “stay” like an animal why she is just minding her own
business and thinking about me while these two idiots fight in their underwear?
Taichi losing yet again should not be a surprise given that
he was probably one of the last dudes to get into the tournament, but it’s not
like he’s embarrassing himself out there or anything. I imagine his life is
pretty chill. He’s decently attractive, he has nice women following him around
and he doesn’t have to kill himself for the love and acceptance of all the
peons out there who demand he break himself for fleeting glory. That is staying
ahead of the game by not really playing it except for when you have to, and
unfortunately sometimes that means that you get caught out by a fat dude from
Guam who wouldn’t know what to do with Miho Abe anyway. Tomorrow he’ll still
get up, say some problematic things, maybe even piss while sitting down because
a man should find the time to enjoy himself and not worry about pissing on the
toilet seat or even the floor if its early and you can’t really get your
bearings all the way.
Jeff Cobb, meanwhile, needed a win here or risk being seen
as a wasteful failure and so in the yin and yang of life, one dude wins and another
loses and they both get what they need out of the experience, and we should be
happy for them both.
Shingo Takagi vs Jay
White
Okay, I’ll admit that I nodded off in between the end of the
last match and the start of this one and had to go back and watch it again, but
that is not an indictment on the matches or the quality of this fine G1 but
more because I just got caught out in the high stakes game of drug addiction
where you push yourself too far sometimes and end up paying the price for poor
choices, and if that payment is simply falling asleep on the couch while
watching pro wrestling, that is really nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Anyway, what does that have to do with this match? Nothing,
other than it was a thing that happened while I was watching this and I believe
in letting you know where my head is at, but I went back and watched it and it
was a pretty good time. Jay White’s insolence even in the face of humiliation
remains an inspiration to narcissistic sociopaths everywhere, and his delusions
of grandeur make for compelling theater in these sultry summer nights. And
Shingo is a dude who will hit you real hard and look like a sleazy 80s villain
and in this there is all the elements you need for a quality pro wrestling match
in the year of our lord 2019.
Anyway, we should all be excited for Jay White to hang on here
and cheat his way back to a reckoning with Okada, which is probably where this
is all headed, and enjoy the journey along the way as dudes try to beat the
shit out of him simply because he out-dicked them all.
Tetsuya Naito vs Jon
Moxley
Big energy for this one and at the very least you have to
admire the boys in the back who run things for their willingness to just roll
with a dude who probably isn’t signed long term or anything, but that is all
dumb business talk and I’m not sure we should get into all that shit.
What we should be talking about is that Jon Moxley just
spiked Tetsuya Naito right on his head to put himself in a commanding position
in the block. Moxley continues to bring a unique energy that no one else seems
capable of bringing these days and in New Japan especially you can appreciate just
how physically “real” this dude is. I mean, he’s a legit 6’4” during a time
when it’s hard to find dudes even cracking the 6’ line, and he has a sort of
lean raw-boned old school Ted DiBiase like build that lends itself well to the
G1 grind. You can absolutely buy that he is a hard dude to handle out there,
all of which sets up well for Juice getting his revenge on him on the last day
of the G1 which is really where this whole thing is probably headed, right?
But again, that is all just dumb nerd talk that shouldn’t overlook
the sublimity of these matches that he is having. I don’t think he is a five
star machine or anything, but what he is, is a dude who can hold up his own end
of things which combined with his unique energy makes him a whole hell of a lot
of fun to watch, especially against a dude like Naito, who’s own energy is all
about subverting the manic energy of a dude like Moxley. In a situation like
that, one dude is gonna have to get head spiked, and in this case, that was
Naito, who takes one for the team while all that Big Mox Energy brings all the
pussies to the yard.
But we’re halfway through the G1 and both blocks have clear
alphas, and yet I’m not sure that either Moxley or Okada walks away with this
thing, which just makes it all the more exciting. All I know is that someone will
probably end up paralyzed and someone else will end up crossing ethical lines
that get the Bixes of the world all het up and really, what more could you ask
from your professional wrestling?
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