Shingo Takagi vs
Taichi
We’re basically a postmodern culture now, the past hanging
heavy over anything new that happens because it can’t be as good as it used to
be, and so it’s not surprising that wrestlers these days are spoken about as
almost avatars for their heroes, whether it’s everyone looking for the next Stone
Cold pop or whether it’s everyone wanting to see Taichi molt his skin to reveal
the Uber Kawada and kick the shit out of everyone. Of course, Taichi can’t be
Kawada, no one can, but that is the only way for him to survive the G1 grind.
I get that Taichi doesn’t want to have to work hard. I don’t
either. That’s a sucker’s game. But there comes a time when you have to bring
it or risk being sent to the Yoshi-Hashi table. It always feels like Taichi might
be on the right track, but invariably he ends up resorting to dipshittery and
that is something I can also relate to. Taichi makes poor choices, but that’s
okay because for some reason Miho Abe still loves him, and she also loves me
and it’s hard to be a lazy hedonist who sometimes has to try so that old man
Suzuki doesn’t start getting on me or Taichi. We both just want to be lazy
degenerates who fuck Miho Abe and sometimes kick people really hard. And maybe
Kawada can come over and we’ll hang out and talk about hurting people. I’m just
saying that I understand Taichi.
But of course, I also understand that the poor choice
lifestyle leads to getting head dropped by Shingo Takagi, and you have to be
willing to accept that as part of the deal. Life is all about doing what you
need to do to keep Miho Abe happyish, and so you try when you have to and you reach
to the past, to your inner Kawada, because you understand that there is something
solid and immovable about the past, because it can’t be changed and somewhere
Toshiaki Kawada is kicking people very hard just for the sheer joy of it and
you can look to that, try to pull from it when shit gets hard. Sure, you might
end up losing anyway to Shingo, but you have proven that you are a man of valor
even if you don’t feel like showing that to people most of the time. Is that
enough? It seems like it is for Taichi and no one should judge him for that.
Juice Robinson vs
Jeff Cobb
I know this match happened, but I barely remember anything
about it. It’s not that it was bad, it just never caught fire, or even started
smoking really. It was what you would expect a Juice Robinson vs Jeff Cobb
match to look like, which isn’t a condemnation or anything, it’s just is what
it is. And sometimes what it is doesn’t require any more thoughts or gibberish
from me, there was a pro wrestling match that was passingly satisfying, and we move
on.
Toru Yano vs Jay
White
Don’t try to dick punch a dick puncher. Jay White played
Toru Yano’s mesmerizing game, and he lost, and then Gedo yelled motherfucker and
now Jay has been humiliated and everyone’s happy. It is fun to watch Jay White
get his shit thrown back on him, but it is almost certainly setting up Jay to
go bonkers on everyone and ooze his way back into the main event picture by
being even more of an insolent narcissist and cheater and I look forward to
where that story goes.
But let us reflect on the perfect beauty of Toru Yano, who once
again showed why the clown is the secret winner of life. Toru Yano could head
drop people and get dropped on his head, I mean he fought in Pancrase for fuck’s
sake, but why bother when you can just entrance everyone into believing you are
a bumbling fool and suck them into a world of poor choices that invariably end
up with them being rolled up for the pin?
Toru Yano has a big dick. I am speaking of the metaphorical
dick. The metaphorical dick is what makes Toru Yano who he is. He knows that he
has the biggest dick in the room, but he doesn’t need to take it out in front
of everybody. He can just let the rest of the fools spend their weak dick
energy in what is ultimately a futile quest. 19 of these 20 dudes aren’t going
to win the G1 and they will have spent all their dick energy while Yano keeps
his packed safe. Rather than whipping that thing out and wasting it in futility,
he’s just gonna fingerbang his way around the room, letting everyone know that
he’s there laughing while their shriveled dicks seed no more. He won’t win the
G1, but he’s already won the game.
Hirooki Goto vs
Tetsuya Naito
Naito’s contempt for Goto was hard to watch, but it was real
and true because after all, Goto allows others to define him while Naito defines
himself. There is something sad in a noble way about Goto because he is just a
dude doing what he thinks are all the right things, leaning out, training with
Shibata, emulating the right moves, the right way to strike, the right way to
be, and that’s the catch because none of it is him. It is all things he is
supposed to be, and he can get pretty far with that but in the end, he can
never make that next move because it’s just not him. It’s just not him, man.
Goto managed to kick out of one Destino, but not the second,
and I suppose that is a metaphor. Naito, on the other hand, started off 0-2 and
yet he beat Goto and it seemed right and that is because Naito has defined
himself.
There is a big part of me that wants to root for Goto
because I just like his overall aesthetic, but you have to actually do
something within that aesthetic to be anything more than the dude who never gets
past that breaking point between promise and success. Or you just end up
tagging with Nagata and the young lions as you look back on a life that never really
got lived.
Tomohiro Ishii vs Jon
Moxley
This was everything I hoped it would be. I am not a fan of
the weak brawl in the crowd, but that felt like something that had to happen or
else people would not accept that these two dudes would just have a nice clean
wrestling match. And once they got done with all of that, and started going at
each other with their twin sicknesses, it was all just so very beautiful.
It’s easy to have a good match with Ishii in this sort of environment,
but I thought Moxley brought his own energy to it and there was a brief moment
when he was hauling chairs out and getting too close to the crowd that he
seemed to be echoing Stan Hansen, and I’m not saying Moxley is Stan Hansen, but
just that he brings a sort of unique energy that barely exists outside of him
in wrestling now.
Ishii didn’t win, but he never really loses either because he
always comes out of his matches with his legend grown and that is how you win
the whole goddamn game. He isn’t The Man but he doesn’t have to be, that’s not
him. All he has to do is be Ishii and everyone can see it and that is more
rewarding and Real than being the dude that is best for “business” which is
really just a corporate prop anyway. Fuck all that because Tomohiro Ishii is
too busy owning the G1 yet again while nerds squawk about attendance figures
and get into Twitter fights.
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