KENTA vs Lance Archer
I never knew how much I needed this match. Archer’s wild man
energy is always a good time and then you parachute in a dude who will kick everything
that moves and throw that all into Korakuen and you’ve got a lot of shit that
makes me happy. It could have been too goofy because of the size difference,
but KENTA’s kicks are sufficiently destructive to make me believe that Lance
Archer was not having a real good time.
As always, Archer is almost revered by the Japanese fans
because he’s just so fucking outlandish, screaming EVERYBODY DIES and tossing
dudes into other dudes and then throwing himself into the mess of human
disfigurement and you wonder how far a dude like that might be willing to take
it in Japan, because those fans will lean into that shit and at a certain
point, he could probably be committing crimes on their persons and they would just
be laughing and chanting ARCHERA ARCHERA ARCHERA while he bathed in their
blood.
Anyway, KENTA kicked Archer a bunch and Archer just abused
him in return and in the end the wild man tapped out to a submission because
there is no point in getting your arm broken even if you are a wild and crazy dude.
Crazy people hurt too.
Evil vs Sanada
I feel for Evil. Sometimes you have to throw hands with your
friends if they don’t appreciate you enough. And those are the sorts of fights
that end with both dudes crying, not because they’re sad or anything but
because their fucking adrenaline gets so torqued up, and yeah maybe some
emotions get spent throwing your boy on to his head at an awkward angle, and
when it’s all done you reconnect and you form a bond of physical idiocy that no
one else can understand.
I think it is particularly cathartic for a dude like Evil
because the way he wrestles lends itself to getting out some crazy tension, all
throws and heavy hits, and I’m happy that he got the win because Sanada was
getting too much shine and in a relationship, you can’t allow that sort of
imbalance to linger. I don’t want these boys to resent each other, and as long
as they take the time to do a hormone dump, everything should be chill. Trust
me, I have thrown hands with my friends, broken windows and busted lips and
crying, not for heated reasons but just because sometimes you get wild and maybe
you’re drunk and have one boxing glove on and it started off as just fucking
around but now you got pride up and it’s telling you that you have to play it
to the bone and that’s just how men play sometimes.
This doesn’t change anything. If anything, it strengthens the
bonds you already had. Evil and Sanada will come out of this better men and
better friends. This was a match that needed to happen, more for Evil I think
than Sanada, and now that it’s done they can be boys again. Evil needed this.
We all need this sometimes and you’re lying to yourself if you say that you don’t.
This was strong Spirit Warrior cleansing for Evil and for all of us who enjoy
watching young men hurt each other.
Kazuchika Okada vs
Bad Luck Fale
This was the standard heel faction cheats and cheats and yet
the hero wins in the end, and to be honest, it’s the same match these two
always have against each other. It is just a thing that had to happen for
posterity and now it’s done and we don’t have to do it again.
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs
Zack Sabre Jr.
Okay, two things.
One, I was nodding off during this match, which is the price
you pay for having me do this in real time instead of watching it later, which
isn’t really your fault, I wanted to watch it live. But it did mean that I was
falling in and out of the match, which makes it hard to say that I got a
coherent picture of what was happening, but I mean it’s not hard to extrapolate
based on what I did see.
Unfortunately, that leads me to the second thing, even after
I managed to rouse myself from my nodding time, the fucking feed started
freezing on me and I missed the end of the match. This whole thing was broken
and disheveled from the start, and I am not going to tell you that it was a
good match or a bad match because I honestly don’t know. I did see that ZSJ
lost again, which makes me happy because he is an insufferable prat, and I
enjoy him failing.
Tanahashi as always remains the pure heart of New Japan Pro
Wrestling, and while I doubt he’ll win the G1 again this year, we can take
pleasure in him sonning the ZSJ’s of the world and shit, I didn’t even think of
this, but Minoru Suzuki can’t be happy that his protégé is fucking up like this,
especially because he’s not in the tournament himself this year. Maybe he will grind
ZSJ’s greasy face into the floor of the locker room while young boys massage
his balls. We can only hope.
Kenta Ibushi vs Will
Ospreay
There is something pornographic about watching Kota Ibushi
wrestle. It’s clear that he’s willing to do all manner of disgusting things to
his own body and to anyone else’s in the name of art, but I’m not sure if it’s
even about art as much as it’s about an outlet for a really fucked up pervert
to express himself. Okay, I guess that’s the essence of art, never mind.
But what I mean is that you get the sense that Ibushi gets
off on this shit, that he cranks himself at night to the memory of his own neck
disintegrating. And it’s not just the danger he puts himself in, but his glee
in hurting others. It is a subtle thing, unremarkable on the autistic face of
such a savant, but there is a chilling cruelty to Kota Ibushi that comes out
whenever who he’s wrestling is willing to cross a certain line with him in the macabre
struggle for physical catharsis that comes from an unprotected kick to the face
or a fucked up head drop. He is a goddamn pervert, and I say that admiringly.
There are few people who are willing to live their own fuckedness, willing to ruin
themselves for the sake of that perfect moment of bliss that comes from letting
go and unleashing an animalistic cruelty without boundaries.
And it helps when Will Ospreay is a dude who is also willing
to dangle himself over the abyss of annihilation for some fucked up ode to art.
You take these two dudes and let them head drop each other and brutally strike
one another until you’re pretty sure that you’re about to see a man die for the
art of pro wrestling, which sounds ridiculous and it is ridiculous, and you
understand that life itself is ridiculous and that if Kota Ibushi’s entire
reason for being is to give his brain to destruction that you can at least take
the time to appreciate it.
I doubt very much that these two dudes will have happy
golden years, but fuck it man, the world will probably be a toxic wasteland by
then, and you might as well try to ride this bitch all the way down to the end
without holding anything back. For now, Kota Ibushi remains the Golden Star,
his fucked up brain floating in an autistic haze of his own making, in which he
is just a vessel for his most innate desires, and Will Ospreay remains the man
who once tweeted me a shameful gif and also the man willing to touch parts of
the story with Ibushi that you’re not supposed to try to touch, and for that, I
honor them, and I honor New Japan Pro Wrestling for making it real.
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