G1 A Block Final

Evil vs Lance Archer

Evil is my boy, but even Evil can’t escape from Lance Archer, who has conquered many universes and hell places and come out of it more alive than ever. Archer terrorizing all the Young Lions before the match and during was like a dude taking a flamethrower to a bunch of kittens, and yes, Everybody Dies. 

My dream match at this point is Archer vs Brock Lesnar, which would be the wildest fucking match ever. You know I’m right. Imagine Lesnar and Archer throwing each other around, Archer clawing Brock’s purple head, Lesnar busting out that shooting star press he almost paralyzed himself with in that Wrestlemania match with Kurt Angle back in the day . . . it would just be so much goddamn fun. I think it should take place on a boat in international waters, no laws, no rules, no promotions, just Lance Archer and Brock Lesnar wrestling like King Kong vs Godzilla for all of our hearts, destroying the world and each other as we all hurtle laughing into oblivion. Everybody dies, baby. Everybody dies.

Sanada vs Bad Luck Fale

Not the best day for my sweet LIJ boys in the A Block, with Evil losing to Archer and now Sanada falling to Fale, which is a thing that is obscene, and yet this is just what Fale does year after year after year. It was every Fale match you’ve ever seen which is of course one too many, and let’s not waste time on this shit.

KENTA vs Zack Sabre Jr.

Jesus, it’s cold out on them streets for KENTA. He can’t even catch a smile from his own people, who have rejected him utterly. Honestly, it’s kind of hard to watch at this point, like you get the sense that a little girl would spit in his face or an old, old man would accuse him of fondling his pendulous balls just to get to see KENTA humiliated and beaten by the police. It’s not a good place for this dude, and I feel bad for him, especially because all he wanted was to forget the last five years of shit and get respect from every dude out here who lapped his shit up back in the day.

But instead, he’s getting roasted by the crowd against ZSJ of all the fucking people, and ZSJ isn’t respecting him either and what the fuck this was not how it was supposed to be. KENTA can still kick everyone very hard but they don’t give a fuck, do they? Instead of this being a feel good comeback kind of thing, it almost feels like everyone is just taking the piss on this poor dude, abusing him because he tried to do something different and got fucked with. It’s fucked up and I don’t like it.

ZSJ was ZSJ and you either dig it or you don’t, you know? I will say that he and KENTA work well together, with KENTA exploding ZSJ’s bird chest with every kick. Unfortunately, ZSJ got the rub here, which sucks because KENTA honestly deserves better even though he’s all broken down. I get using that to get dudes over or whatever dork shit, but goddamn, sometimes a dude just needs a break, and no one is willing to give him one. Just let the man keep some dignity for fuck’s sake. These are dark times for KENTA. Dark times for all of us.

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Will Ospreay

Ospreay continues to shed his shit skin, and this is probably the match where it all gets left behind and he will now go on to be the best dude because this was of course excellent, and Ospreay has stopped being so goddamn theatrical. Getting a win on the Ace is a big deal, and I imagine this is all the start of his rocket ship ride to the top as long as his neck doesn’t disintegrate or he gets too full of himself and humiliates himself on social media or some shit.

As for Tanahashi, it’s just that time for him, when he has to be the dude eating the ass end of these things so that the kids can have fun tomorrow, and you have to feel for him because he’s still just so very good at the whole pro wrestling thing. Even the crowd was kinda abandoning him here, which is fucked up, and I mean you don’t have to shove the dude out the door just because it seems like it’s the thing to do. I want Tana to be around for a long time, let him figure out some shit style wise that is comfortable for him and let him be the Ace of the universe.

Anyway, great match, everyone’s happy, stars were thrown, Tanahashi will rise again and we can all live in the comfort of his bounty.

Kazuchika Okada vs Kota Ibushi

Obviously this was epic and a total fucking blast, and our sweet Ibushi comes out of it victorious, his head scrambled, his ankles fucked, his heart bursting with autistic fervor for the pro wrestling, and it’s all good.

Okada makes this happen because he just does everything so damn good. He’s the perfect partner for Ibushi to get wild with on an athletic kind of tip, but he’s also able to absorb all of Ibushi’s wildness and make something foundationally strong underneath it all. He let Ibushi give him a sick head drop, but it never seems to be as scary with Okada because he just kinda has this way about him, like you can somehow believe that he has figured out a way to effortlessly let that shit flow through his neck without him feeling a goddamn thing. You ain’t breakin’ Okada because he’s made of professional wrestling and his neck is just an idea that he can fuck around with to make the art be what it is. I don’t even know what I’m babbling about either, but you get what I’m talking about, right?

Ibushi moves on to the final, where I predict he and Naito will head drop each other into oblivion again, and it will be dangerous and gross and people will get upset and it will all be beautiful. And then one of them will have another go at Okada and more heads will be dropped and necks broken and on and on we will go, never ending, until we are all dancing in the cerebral fluid of Mitsuharu Misawa in the cosmos.