G1 B Block Gibberish Day Seven?

Tomohiro Ishii vs Toru Yano

Toru Yano is a living poem, we all know this, but what makes it so real is that it so layered, which is the only way that you can effectively play the fool. Toru Yano has the ability to outwrestle most anyone out there, but that is too barbaric for him and so he plays his tricks and weaves his hypnotic poesy into your hearts. I understand this because I am Toru Yano. I am a goddamn fool, but it only works if there’s something more there. And so, I relate very deeply to Toru Yano’s need to wrestle his friend Tomohiro Ishii with a little more of the “something more” taken out from behind the curtain. It is not something he does very often, but when he does, it should humble all the Meltzerian types who don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have five star matches. He can and yet he does not, and that is what makes him the most powerful man in New Japan Pro Wrestling.

Ishii should be honored that Yano deigned to wrestle “common” with him, but even within the mundanity of a “common” wrestling match, both Ishii and Toru Yano, especially Yano, are expert craftsmen, and the whole thing is of course transcendent. I would have loved for Yano to get the win here, but that’s hardly the point, and the thing about us fools is that you have to be very careful or else we will humiliate you, but Ishii is Yano’s good friend, and so Yano of course did not humiliate him, just like I don’t routinely humiliate my own friends, many of whom are reading this right now. There’s just no need for it.

Juice Robinson vs Taichi

Now there are a couple of things I want to discuss here. First, it’s shitty that Juice Robinson got played out like this, and he was played, hard. But second, he was much too reckless with my lovely wife Miho Abe, and I am glad that he was shamed in defeat. There is no need for that kind of poseur posturing, Juice. Miho and I both know you don’t have the big dick, quit pretending.

Anyway, Taichi was vile as usual, just a shiftless piece of shit content to let his cronies help him ooze his way through life, which is frustrating because when he starts whipping out those kicks, you understand that he is a dude who could go places if he wanted, Kawada type places maybe, which are brute artistic heights that require a great deal of sacrifice and also killing your friend. But, I get it, man. I get it. At the end of the day, he’s in a comfortable spot, and Miho Abe was smiling and laughing so he has to be doing something right. I might not trust him, but I trust her. I don’t need to be that dude who can’t let his lady have fun off on her own. I am not threatened by Taichi. Not at all. Because I know that Taichi is a man of no conviction, and he probably hasn’t had a legitimate erection in years. I can see the signs. He seems always vaguely out of shape, he is very likely a heavy drug user given his persona and gimmick as a queer vampire or whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be, and although I should not be one to cast stones as far as the drug addiction goes or the queer vampireness to be honest, I am man enough to counter that with other drugs, because I actually care about Miho Abe, okay? I am not just some dilletante like Taichi. That’s all I’m saying.

Hirooki Goto vs Jeff Cobb

Goto rises from the ashes and makes Shibata and me proud against Jeff Cobb, who I have no real problem with but also I do not really have time for him either, you know? I know he can throw dudes and all, but there’s just something missing there for me. I don’t know what it is. A personality perhaps? Maybe.

Anyway, Goto wins and all the LA perverts can neck each other and fuck in his honor, which is the whole point of the LA Dojo, right? Right???

Jon Moxley vs Jay White

I was afraid this might not come off well, but to be honest, I don’t know why because both of these dudes have convinced me that they are legit, and I suppose I was anticipating the haters hating which isn’t a thing any of us should ever do because it honestly just leads to a shithole of a discourse regardless of topic.

Anyway, this was very good, and I was suitably outraged that the sleazy Jay White stole one on ol’ Moxley, who showed up and just went at Jay White like no one else ever does, which made for an interesting change in the typical Jay White skulks around the ring routine, which he couldn’t do because Mox was all up in his shit.

And then you have Moxley the brawler transitioning into Moxley the mat wrestler and then you have Jay White hitting his shit so pristinely even on a 6’4” dude like Moxley, and the whole thing came together rather nicely actually, with even the shenanigans giving spark to maybe some blood feudin’ in the future should Mox hang around, but really, you had to know that this whole thing is gonna be a vehicle for putting Jay White in the alpha position because say what you will about Gedo and Co. but when they back a horse they do every thing they can to make that dude a winner. And I enjoy Jay White’s villainy because it’s very real, and not cool at all, the sort of thing you are supposed to want to see get its shit kicked in eventually. And so it is all good.

Tetsuya Naito vs Shingo Takagi

Man, even though it’s the G1, Naito probably shouldn’t spit in his friend’s face. But he did so here, twice, which speaks to his low character and also his ruthlessness. You have to admire that, really, because it is the secret to Naito’s game which is just to headfuck everyone, and you can only do that if you stay absolutely true to yourself and stay ruthless as fuck. The moment he doesn’t spit in Shingo’s face, the pack mauls him and he ends up being the shiftless geek that never went to Mexico to learn how to be Tranquillo.

Obviously, this was another of those “been building for a lifetime” matches between old pals, and that can lead to some out of body experiences, which Naito made sure to hit up true to form as he was spiked on his head a few times. I guess you could feel bad for Takagi, but this was always going to be a losing shot for him. If he beat Naito, then what? Things would be awkward as fuck, and so sometimes you just have to say fuck it and let the queen play ball.

It seems to me as if Naito might be the dude in this block, if only because they are pushing the whole double champion thing pretty hard and the dude isn’t getting any younger and if they really want to pay off him being the prize bread winner in New Japan, now is probably the time. But that is all dumb business shit that gets in the way of the pure poetry of the G1, which starts with a Yano special and just gets better and better and here we are again.