WRESTLE KINGDOM NIGHT ONE

Well, we wrestled with a kingdom I guess, and now we have to talk about it because I know you can’t go one goddamn day without my thoughts on something so ridiculous so let’s just get to the shit that you want or I could kill your day by gibbering about some other bullshit, either way I don’t really mind.

Opening Match Clusterfuck

I missed the Stardom opening match, not out of hatred for women wrestling but more my streaming stick that I use to watch this for you and for me and anyway that stick got lost somehow for a while in between Poor Choices. But I don’t want you to think that I am doing some chauvinist thing here, it’s not that, it’s just that my lifestyle runs into these sorts of problems from time to time. Anyway, the opening Young Boys match was what it was, and it is pretty clear New Japan is enamored with the LA Dojo dudes. It was nice to get Toa Henare a win because he’s just been left behind for the most part, but other than that not a lot of crazy shit to talk about here.

The Old Dudes

Always nice to see the older fellas get a spot and it was what it was and what it always is, and there is just a rhythm in the New Japan system that works for everyone. I don’t mind watching old Japanese men potato each other because sometimes that’s just what you have to do. I feel like Kojima could be rescued from Senile Farms but I also appreciate that he is loyal to his boy of old. No one embarrassed themselves, so that’s a win.

Jushin Liger Retirement Match

This was what it needed to be and it actually got me thinking of who the earliest Japanese wrestlers were for me when I was growing up. I think it’s the Jumping Bomb Angels who were in the WWF for a year in the 80s. But anyway, I liked all these old dudes getting out and wrestling for their boy Liger, who was one of the seminal Japanese wrestlers for a lot of dudes my age. Him and the Great Muta. Liger was always the dude back in those days when you watched TBS and bought the Apter wrestling magazines, and it was nice to know that there was something else out there other than Vinceland. It was pretty raw seeing Fujinami wrestling on my TV in 2020 but that’s the fun of it I guess.

LIJ vs Suzuki-Gun

This was messy as hell, and is my least favorite part of New Japan, just too fucking much and none of it is interesting. I’m not even hyped on Sanada vs ZSJ. I wish my boy Evil could be extricated from this shit, but I am not Gedo.

Chaos vs Bullet Club

This was some more of that shit. I am hyped on Goto vs KENTA though, which should be fun. At least this mess had Pieter and her ass just sitting there.

Haku’s boys vs Juice and Finlay

I still really like Juice, who can command a crowd of people who don’t understand half the shit he is saying, which is some big energy to be carrying around. I don’t really know what David Finlay is other than just a dude. New Japan seems to be high on him but there’s just nothing that interesting there. I’d be all in on his dad working the Nagata matches, but not so much him. Haku’s kids are alright, probably could have played college football or some shit that isn’t the wrestling business. But they followed Dad to the dark places that make pro wrestlers and they have turned out okay, certainly better than the soulless spawn of Samoan dudes who sometimes pop up in Vinceland. Anyway, yeah, I am hyped on Juice still, Haku’s boys are okay and Finlay needs to come up with something other than being who he is.

Lance Archer vs Jon Moxley

This was what it was, pretty tame, pretty fun, Archer is just so good and Moxley’s presence is great. Archer is just so awesome and I wanted him to win but he is doomed to be a surprise favorite that they can roll out every so often, which I can relate to. It’s hard being weird and Not Like The Others but it has its good sides too, like we can sense each other, Spirit Warriors and Freaks and take care of each other through allegedly illicit mail from time to time, and anyway I sense that Lance Archer is one of those type of dudes, sort of like The Great Willie Young if you’ve followed my other dumbass blogs. If not, well, if I start talking about Willie Young, I am talking about Lance Archer too, so now you know. It’s important to know things like this or else what the fuck is the point, you know? Anyway, Lance Archer is a Spirit Warrior and I want him to win all the matches from now on. He won’t because life is fucked and Everybody Dies anyway so fuck it.

Will Ospreay vs Hiromu Takahashi

This is where the whole show leveled up. I suppose I am passed Will Ospreay’s unfortunate earlier life, with the bleating and overacting and the vanity searches on twitter to let me know that he has money, which is a weird thing he did a few years ago. Anyway, he seems to have grown up for the most part and he has tightened his bleating and overacting and Hiromu is a dude who seems like he would be a good dude to get high with. The two of them set the stage and made it a Can You Top This kind of night, well free of the shitty multitag matches of earlier. I suspect Ospreay is going to get the ticket to the heavyweights but that’s cool, Hiromu can do his thing and not have to wrestle a dude who still sometimes sounds like a fucking goat.

Jay White vs Tetsuya Naito

I am a big fan of Jay White, the Ric Flair of the 2020s, but I have never really connected with Naito the way most people do. But I found myself wanting Naito to get his shot at the double gold and I am a proponent of his Tranquillo attitude, which is just another way to say lounge, which is a place everyone should aspire to. Naito isn’t getting any younger and this is probably his Prom King moment so I just want him to get that moment for himself and maybe get his dick sucked by the Prom Queen. Some of us can only come so close. Hey, Amy, yeah you remember me. But Naito is a dude who needs to get this or else it’s just going to be really sad.

Kazuchika Okada vs Kota Ibushi

Well, I mean they had to meet the standard and they did, but I am always concerned about Ibushi who will die in the ring. Well, I’m not really concerned I mean who cares really, but that dude is fucked up on a big autist level or something, which I’m sorry if I offended anyone with the autist talk. Anyway, Ibushi is always great at not having a safe word and Okada is the dude who has a safe word but he doesn’t ever use it. Okada is just so good at all the everything that goes into being a professional wrestler, and his instincts and timing elevate it to art. I don’t know how someone could be that coordinated, that blessed with the ability to manipulate reality for the sake of art, but Okada manages to pull it off better than just about anyone I’ve ever seen. He really is one of the greatest. I don’t know what that means in the grand scheme of things and I am just writing into a hole here but fuck it I don’t care, I am just glad that I got to watch this match.