ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I decided to watch the Royal Rumble and write about it, which is something my dear friend Kendall used to do at http://rumblemetrics.blogspot.com/ before he walked away from the horror show fascist nightmare that is WWE. I don’t know why I’m bothering to do this other than it seemed like something to do, and so you get my bullshit if you want it which some of you do for some reason and anyway I don’t watch WWE anymore for pretty much the same reasons dear Kendall doesn’t, the fascism and all that, plus the aesthetic disgrace that is the WWE production, which is some sort of hellscape thing that doesn’t make any fucking sense to anyone with any sort of sanity. I won’t go into details because you either get it or you don’t and if you do get it then you don’t need me going into the details of that fucking horror nightmare of a production which could only be the creation of an evil fucked up pervert like Vince McMahon, who is one of the worst human beings ever to live, a Trumpian figure in our collective nightmare culture, and anyway he brings to you THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!

Andrade vs Humberto Carrillo

Andrade, of course, was one of the founding members of Los Ingobernables in Mexico, which of course spawned Los Ingobernables de Japan which is where you can find Tetusya Naito, Sanada, Evil and the gang. I wonder if Andrade regrets the whole WWE thing, but then again, isn’t he fucking Charlotte Flair? I don’t know if that’s right. Someone tell me if I’m wrong. Anyway, he beat this Humberto Carrillo dude who I have never heard of, and to be honest, the best thing about Andrade is Zelina Vega who has the sort of hot Latina ass that I enjoy. Yes, this makes me an internet sex pest to the weak kneed geeks in the dreaded internet wrestling community, but fuck it and fuck them, I like to look at a beautiful woman’s ass and I am not ashamed of this because I am a man. Anyway, this was a match that I barely paid attention to because nothing about it was that interesting other than the Latina ass. Andrade is a dude who bought the WWE ticket and now he’s taking the ride, and I imagine he’s enjoying himself even if Vince is a horrible racist who probably makes fun of Andrade’s lack of English skillz behind his back. Just take the white man’s money and go back home and fuck beautiful Latina women, Andrade.

Bayley vs Lacey Evans

I did not watch this because, I mean, come on. In a five hour brain fucker like this WWE horseshit a dude needs some breaks.

Shorty G vs Seamus

I missed this one too. I don’t know who the fuck Shorty G is. Seamus is a nice hoss who was rejected by THE WWE UNIVERSE which is a horrible Orwellian thing that should be investigated by the People after the revolution. Anyway, I like Seamus as a hoss and it’s too bad I missed him doing hoss things, and I’d actually love to see Seamus in New Japan doing hoss things. That’s all I’ve got here.

Roman Reigns vs King Corbin

I started watching this even though I think Roman Reigns is a doof, and a dude who was just put in a bad position for like five years straight and kind of ruined the whole company in the process, which has to be a lot to deal with, everyone hating you like that for so long and your dad is Sika who doesn’t understand why these fucking geeks don’t like his son and he’s probably raging at Vince all the time and Vince just takes it because there are some people Vince will just take shit from and the Samoans are one of them.  Anyway, I get that Roman Reigns is pretty good at the whole wrestling thing but the horror show that is his presentation and the martyrdom and all that makes it hard to watch with fair eyes. Corbin is a stiff who nobody likes and anyway I started watching this but then I went to McDonald’s which was probably a Poor Choice, but fuck it, I had a craving.

Becky Lynch vs Asuka

I was playing Baseball Mogul during most of this match, working on my Tigers dynasty in the year 2106. I’m having a hard time getting a good catcher and the entire league seems barren as far as catchers go. But I did see the end of the match, with Asuka getting caught up in her own green mist and Becky Lynch submitting her. Becky is a very pretty lady by the way, which again is me being problematic for the weak -kneed geeks, but that’s an okay thing to say in real life you fucking geeks.

“The Fiend” Bray Wyatt vs Daniel Bryan

I liked this for the most part. Daniel Bryan is probably the greatest professional wrestler of all time from a quality wrestling match standpoint and also from a character standpoint to be honest. The dude gets it right every time he switches things up. This goes back years before he was even in WWE, when he was the American Dragon and pretty much changed the entire way the wrestling world works. Stylistically, he is the father of the big match style you see in various promotions all over the world. I’d very much like to see him outside of WWE again before the end, which probably means a Misawa like death in the ring scenario if we’re being honest with ourselves, but that’s okay, people die for their art and that’s not a bad thing. Death is usually pointless and meaningless, but if you can die for your art, that means something and people can fuck off if they can’t handle it. Misawa almost certainly wouldn’t have changed a thing if his ghost could go back and do it all over again, and neither will Daniel Bryan, who will wrestle until he dies because that’s just who he is.

Anyway, this was a fun enough match. The strap element added some violence to it that WWE has pretty much none of these days being a Robot Company for Robot Fascists and brainwashed children.  Bray Wyatt’s new thing is fucking ridiculous, but good for him for managing to get back to this place after WWE pretty much just fucked him out of wrestling for a while there. I haven’t watched anything for a long time, but I have kept up on it enough from afar to have sort of an idea of what this shit is. Oh, did you know that Bray knocked up JoJo, who is another lady with a nice ass? Yes, that is a thing that happened even though he had a wife and kids, which is some dark stuff, but the man couldn’t help himself. It happens.

I always enjoy watching Daniel Bryan. Bray Wyatt does a good enough job as a menacing monster, but his pacing is too slow for me sometimes. So it was in this match, but it wasn’t all that bad. DBry didn’t get the win here and I don’t have a fucking clue what the plans are going forward, but I will probably watch Wrestlemania and I imagine this whole thing will probably continue in some form until then.  I love Daniel Bryan so that will probably be one of the only things I actually enjoy about it if it does go down like that. Until then, I’m not watching any of this fucking trash.

Women’s Royal Rumble Match

This was fine. Beth Phoenix getting her head split open in the back was gnarly and I’m glad they didn’t do the goofy WWE thing where they try to make all the blood go away. Kelly Kelly still can’t even run the ropes, the poor girl, but I’m sure The King got to sniff her hair before she went to the back, so everything worked out great for everyone I guess. Charlotte Flair does nothing for me. She is wooden and stiff and I just don’t like watching her wrestle. That probably makes me a villain in the eyes of the geeks, but I’m comfortable with that. That fat guy Otis trying to fuck Mandy Rose is a winning story and I hope it works out for them. I really don’t know what else to say about this match, which was entertaining enough for someone who is mildly high. Oh shit, I forgot to mention Santina, who of course is Santino playing a lady, and Santino is the WWE Toru Yano so it is always good to see him or her or whatever the fuck make an appearance. Anyway, that was the lady’s Rumble.

Men’s Royal Rumble Match

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this “clean” a Rumble match before, and by that I mean the ring was rarely clogged with dudes and everything was kept relatively small, with half the match being one on one or maybe two on one. Lesnar tossing everyone around was fun as it always is. I dug the segment with Shelton Benjamin given that they are tight in real life going back to their college days. Brock the destroyer has basically been the underlying theme of WWE since he came back in, let me check . . . okay, in 2012. A lot of people hate it, but I don’t mind it, mostly because I don’t give a shit about WWE and Brock Lesnar throwing people around is always fun. Plus, he makes nerds shook, which I am always on board with. Anyway, his part of the Rumble was pretty fun and neatly done. Letting Drew McIntire eliminate him after all that is a pretty big deal for McIntire I guess, who I really don’t feel one way or the other about.  Edge coming back was kinda cool, especially because he looked so old and haggard, his face all withered and shit. He seemed to be in okay shape and him hooking up with Orton was fun even if it did harken back to a relatively dystopian time in WWE, which can be said for pretty much anytime the last twenty years. Edge never really did that much for me, but he’s not like the worst either. I kind of liked that Keith Lee dude, who I know is an NXT dude and I have an entire dvr backlogged with NXT shows, but I can never get into them because of the whole WWE of it all, which makes me wonder why I ever bothered to record them in the first place knowing that I despise WWE and everything it stands for. It is a disgusting company run by a horrible family, the father of which is a grotesque pervert, the mother of which is complicit with fascism, the daughter of which is a horror show of Corporate Speak mixed with Carnie awfulness and a hideous inferiority complex which drives her into ever more stupid raving every time she opens her hideous fucking mouth, the son of which is a sweat soaked failure desperate to make his daddy love him, which inevitably leads to him concussing himself and throwing himself off of tall objects and through glass like in that one match he had with Kurt Angle back in the day which almost certainly resulted in brain damage. Anyway, I know I should like NXT, which is supposed to have The Good Wrestling, but again, I just can’t bring myself to willingly enter the haunted house of a family company that I just described. But yes, I like Keith Lee and I like a lot of the dudes and lady dudes in NXT and in WWE, and it is just a shame that they are all part of that horror show. Anyway, Drew McIntire won this fucking thing, which is at least something new and different, right? I’m not sure whether anyone is gonna get excited for him, but Wrestlemania is its own zombie thing now and it will survive with or without him. As for me? I will probably watch Wrestlemania and do this again for that, but I feel gross doing it. So why do I do it? I don’t know. I like to write about bullshit, and there are people who like to read it I guess, so here we are and there we’ll be again. Until then, Rumble on, idiots and lady idiots.