G1 Night 7

 

G1 Night 7 gets underway as I write this ten days later and since last year I would watch them and then write them on the same day , I feel as if I have failed you a little maybe. But then again, I have been churning out lots of words instead of a couple of flimsy paragraphs which seemed to suffice last year but maybe that is the trade off we are making idk I just work here, right underneath Pieter’s assssssss.

 

 

Minoru Suzuki vs Yujiro Takahashi

 

Poor Yujiro makes some Poor Choices, both in the context of trying to out-ghoul Minoru Suzuki with strikes and kicks and such and in the context of life, as there are no women here for him to sell for pennies on the yen or whatever the exchange rate is over there for a dick in the mouth which I imagine is more than pennies, although pennies *are* from heaven according to that one song and so is Pieter’s delightful ass so maybe this is what the G1 CLIMAX is really all about or maybe it is about men in their underwear hitting each other really hard, who is to say???

 

But The Tokyo Pimp seems to understand that he must kick people in the face sometimes because it’s his JOB in every sense of the idea but that is something that Minoru Suzuki also understands because he has been doing this a long time, perhaps longer than Yujiro’s been working those streets, going back to a time in which he wrestled Dutch Kickboxers and American Degenerates in Pancrase because he liked to hear their joints pop more than he liked to hear the crowd yell out the names of Chono or Muta or Hashimoto or old man Inoki who would ask you to smell his fingers after you wrestled him or help him with his Octopus which never ended up like eight pussies like the name foretold but you smelling his fingers again as he stretched parts of your body that Minoru Suzuki does not like to remember. Or maybe they all fucked Octopuses and yes that is the correct plural form but I bet Yujiro has fucked one or all eight of them (they come as a set) and does he remember this as he drifts off to sleep in the coiled arms of another man or do all those memories blend with the memories of the rest of the heads which have been dropped in Korakuen through these many years and many tournaments of men and octopi holy shit there is more than one pluralization!!!!!!!!!!! And thusly is the essence of the G1 fulfilled.

 

 

Kota Ibushi vs Jeff Cobb

 

Ibushi and Cobb are friendly which seems strange as Ibushi’s only real friends are those wild dogs he played with up by the reservoir last week and maybe that crazy lady with one arm who lives in an old Wisteria Tree and knows how to use that one arm. It certainly isn’t some GEEK named Kenny and lol why do all these gaijin have to have crazy names like Kenny or Jeff especially when they all get kicked the same way as Ibushi caught his dad kicking his mom or wait, was it his mom kicking his dad? It doesn’t matter as all faces break and he definitely remembers the bone-er.

 

Cobb, sadly, is not a striking young man, at least not in the sense of hitting people real hard, he may be a striking young man sartorially tbh I don’t know what he does on his days off, maybe round up those dogs at the reservoir and no I won’t bow to the commercialism and refer to them as Reservoir Dogs although I guess I just did, it’s all a trap, folks, not unlike the trap Jeff Cobb walked into or knelt into called the Kamigoye which Ibushi ruins him with after Jeff made a pretense of being able to toss Ibushi around which that lady with one arm can’t do but she sure does toss him off another way. (She plays with his penis until it ejaculates semen)

 

 

Kazuchika Okada vs Taichi

 

Maybe I’ll talk about the wrestling in this one, you just don’t know, just as Okada doesn’t seem to know what the meaning or purpose of the G1 life is because is it about trying out new submissions or is it about making sure you don’t tweak your bad back like that one-armed lady that Ibushi fucked too hard that one time lol and Gedo didn’t even get her company insurance. It’s hard to Book these matches and tournaments and fucks year after year.

 

Okada is just maybe too lazy this year, or not inspired or maybe those two ideas are the same idk, but Taichi is not a degenerate who you can just fuck around with and expect to come out of it okay or oh wait, Okada just chokes Taichi’s ragged ass into a place where Miho Abe’s shadow dwells, waiting to tease him in his sleep while her corporeal form tries to figure out how to fly me directly into her even with this pandemic, don’t worry, baby, these things figure themselves out.

 

But until the Dream Time can make the G1 something really special, we probably should talk about how listless Okada is, no? Part of it is Okada himself, fucking around with the Money Clip almost obsessively, but I wonder how much is that the Korakuen faithful almost shockingly don’t know how to make the Right Noises for this show, which is their Whole Deal but given the Covid of it all they are off their game, unable to shout names or scream their banshee wails when someone gets dropped on their heads, the rhythmic clapping almost desultory, uninspired, a sad echo of what passions might have been.

 

But they are not here and Okada has yet to be Enraptured by Mania in this G1 tournament, which is a problem he faced the last time he lost the title, to Ibushi’s geeky friend Kenny and even that dork is finding something, anything, with those dogs down at the reservoir like Moxley and Hangman Page. Okada, though, can’t even get a one-armed woman to jack him off, literally or spiritually, and all of Korakuen lazily claps this into oblivion like they all have one goddamn arm, maybe they stole the other one.

 

 

Will Ospreay vs Jay White

 

A song, sung by Jay White and okay that Ospreay jackass too, as they put on quite the lovely wrestling match and there are no wild dogs running reservoirs here or one-armed jackoff artists, just good wrestling being done as it should. Ospreay’s bleating idiocy can’t even ruin it and this is his lucky day as he somehow magically countermands the brass knuckle buffoonery of Gedo and also the attempted Dick Punchings and rumor is that’s how that chick lost her one arm.

 

Ospreay beats Jay White and come on we all knew he would because he is destined to be Jay’s Yin or perhaps Yang who is to say who is who just yet as the Westward Expansion Dreams are Dreamed although Big Harold just Harry Carryed himself and by that I mean he ate about a dozen hot dogs with some actual dogs down at this reservoir he knows about.

 

White’s throws are sick here, his uranage remaining the best in the world, and the wheel work on Will Ospreay isn’t completely ignored which is nice to see as sometimes the PSYCHOLOGY does get ignored no matter how hard those Psych students are working on their books when they should be cheering for Quality Wrestling like this. That is probably unfair as they want to get into this but can’t ALL THE WAY and I am just picking nits at this point so everyone settle down, okay. SETTLE DOWN.

 

These are two dudes who are the future(ish) for New Japan, especially as they try to conquer distant shores, but the future might also be now, here already as Terminators look for Sarah Connor who rumor has it lives in an old Wisteria Tree, but don’t quote me on that. What’s important to take away is that this Delivered in a tournament which at least thus far – THUS FAR – has not been that great for me. Damning words? These things must be taken in Context as this is still the best pro wrestling in the world if you dig the style and fortunately I do. Maybe that is what has been lacking a bit, New Japan’s signature style and EPIC BIG BOUT feels, but maybe that is also slightly intentional as everyone and everything builds to an exciting climax which hey is part of the G1 name, is it not? Perhaps dudes getting head-dropped into the Oblivion of becoming Future Benoit as he hunts baby Daniel should be saved for bigger matches and later dates, but New Japan also needs this to be good as they try to pull everyone out of a pandemic funk, but the crowd is kept from being fully engaged by that same pandemic and it’s RULES so I don’t know, I am just thinking and writing aloud here as is my wont and Inoki just asked me to smell his fingers but so far I have REFUSED.

 

 

Tomohiro Ishii vs Shingo Takagi

 

My previous caterwauling aside, this match also Delivered which it very much needed to do, with Ishii and Shingo doing what everyone expects of them at this point which is maybe A WHOLE LOT but such is life when you are perhaps the greatest G1 performer ever like Ishii YEAH I SAID IT and his LIJ nemesis and in many ways doppelganger in Shingo.

 

That is a weird thing to say given that the two don’t share too many similarities aesthetically aside from maybe both being weird creatures who are not maybe Leading Men handsome, but they are both outsiders from the company’s snug SYSTEM of Young Lions training by fighting dogs in reservoirs and what not, they both like that I HIT YOU YOU HIT ME LOL LET’S DO THIS UNTIL NEITHER OF US CAN SEE OR SPEAK WITHOUT BELLS GOING OFF IN OUR HEADS AT ALL HOURS style, which at least in this match included a bunch of sick and mutual chops and punches right to the fucking throat. Called upon often to deliver, both are perhaps destined for an endless career of this sort of thing without ever getting to The Top, which isn’t that fucking bad, I mean Jake the Snake wasn’t exactly awash in titles either even if he did once steal a woman’s arm to pay for crack cocaine which is a scourge amongst minorities in the USA or at least was possibly perpetrated by the CIA who have never EVER performed weird experiments on those dogs down by the reservoir or held onto damaging photos of Antonio Inoki with OCTOPI for potential blackmail reasons and anyway both Ishii and Takagi don’t care about ANY OF THIS as they just beat the shit out of each other for damn near a half an hour until Ishii finally gets the pin he needed, while Shingo skulks off to climb Wisteria Trees in search for meaning and also this one lady Ibushi told him about.