We continue to G1 with the A block as I scramble madly to catch up and write these things for you, my creatures of the internet, I am half convinced I invented some of you, but so you see I’ve caught the G1 fever, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeff Cobb vs Shingo Takagi
Listen, I have been stubborn with both of these dudes for various stupid reasons. I get it, I am a fucking jackass sometimes, and I have my favorites and I have my not so favorites and it’s probably not fair but was it fair when some of my cousins got the chocolate bars from Uncle Mark and some didn’t? No, and that’s not a euphemism you fucking perverts. What in the ever living fuck am I even talking about now? I don’t know other than I have been perhaps unfair with both of these noble warriors.
I mean, Jeff Cobb came to the ring with white streaks in his beard already, and yeah, it’s that easy to win me over. I too have the white streaked beard and it’s a sign of virility and not that someone jizzed in your beard so fuck off you jokesters we’ll have none of that here. Anyway, Cobb getting the win is interesting, I guess, in that New Japan always needs that power gaijin and you have to keep him strong or strongish. Sacrificing Shingo in that effort is perhaps an eye opener or maybe not, I don’t even fucking know. But Shingo being treated like the chaff is kind of surprising, right? Then again, there is little to no chaff in the G1, which is part of its appeal, so somebody’s gotta eat the dirty ass and if that’s Shingo, so be it. He seems like a dude who can take eating any kind of ass, no matter how dirty that shit literally gets.
I’m sorry for that. Let’s reshape this and look at this as an opportunity for Jeff Cobb to show that he is more than just a marshmallow, and that when he throws guys, sometimes they land funny and that’s just what happens when the people demand a hossy gaijin. Anyway, this match was fine, good professional wrestling between two dudes who are quality professional wrestlers. Maybe I should have just said that.
Kazuchika Okada vs Yujiro Takahashi
Yujiro has been a thorn in Okada’s side all summer, and now in the G1, Yujiro gets a chance to beat Okada but of course that is not going to happen as Okada submits the sex pervert of the Bullet Club who is forced to wrestle like he means it because Covid has stripped him of all his ladies, most notably the lovely Pieter and her pristine ass. This is not what Yujiro signed up for. He’s here to fuck and if I am reading the scene right sell the sexual favors of the ladies who accompany him. But 2020 is transformative for all of us and Yujiro has lost his hustle and must take it out on Okada, probably because Okada is pretty enough to trick Yujiro and Yujiro is a villain who must exert his authority over “the bitches” which is not MY choice of words but rather the life he has chosen for himself. I deplore misogyny in all its forms, a woman gave birth to us all after all, but Yujiro has issues. It’s literally the character he plays, calm down.
Anyway, Yujiro has to do *something* now that he can’t pimp and that means beating up on Okada, who takes Yujiro’s best but Yujiro’s best is of course not enough and Okada practices submissions on him like a doctor in 1942 Poland and fuck it, I am trying to offend everyone today.
Minoru Suzuki vs Taichi
First of all, I of course am intrigued by the master/follower dynamic, which has just been exploded all over by Taichi. Second of all, I fucking hate the chair shit and outside of the ring shenanigans that made up the first half of this match. I mean, I get that they wanted to tell a story that these two have problems with each other, but surely they could just as easily do that by kicking and smacking each other around rather than fucking with chairs and guardrails which are fucking boring.
Obviously, Suzuki losing here is a Big Deal and probably means Suzuki-Gun is in peril, at least in its current administrative form. Taichi beating up Dad is kind of uncomfortable to be honest, and I know I am not alone in wanting Suzuki to send that shit to his room, but life is cruel and unfair, and Taichi is fucking Miho Abe in Suzuki’s bed, and Suzuki can’t even make eye contact with him at breakfast. ZSJ just woke up and now they’re both pissing on Dad’s head my god why do families have to fight like this?
I hated this for the most part, mostly because of all the outside shit, and then Suzuki losing which is not for me even if I have related to Taichi in previous G1 gibberings. I get what’s going on here but that doesn’t mean I have to like it even if it does make me a big ol’ mark.
Tomohiro Ishii vs Will Ospreay
Right away, Ospreay is bleating like a fucking goat and I don’t like it. In better news, Ishii doesn’t like Ospreay either and so he just smacks the shit out of him. He even gets into the throat which Ospreay ruins by selling over theatrically. I thought he had made some progress with this shit, but I guess not. And now that he is associated with sex crimes albeit loosely and I don’t know really and don’t care, it seems as if the company is going to cast him as an asshole, which he is. Never forget he fucking tweeted me a gif of money falling when I dared to criticize him. The dude is a fucking geek and Ishii should have taken liberties with him. They don’t care in Japan. Just crush his windpipe. No big deal.
But Ospreay is being built as an important piece of New Japan’s ever expanding ways, looking to the west with this dipshit, so it is what it is, which is an ugly phrase, but fuck, Will has made an ugly mess of things. Anyway, Ishii deserves better than this, and Ospreay may be thicker, but that goes intellectually too. Fuck him.
Kota Ibushi vs Jay White
Of course I loved this. Jay fucking with the crowd like a king, Ibushi getting dropped on his head like there is anything in there worth protecting, Ibushi abusing Jay who takes what’s coming to him only to steal it in the end because that’s what Jay White does and Ibushi doesn’t know how to read.
The knee work was sublime, and again, it speaks to Jay White’s ability to structure a match, which I believe him to be the best in the world at. The shenanigans with Gedo are all just a part of it, and didn’t derail the match. I don’t often talk about specific spots or moves, but there was one German that landed Ibushi right on his head and I don’t know if he gets off on that or if we get off on that, but it was very sick indeed.
I suspect that these two dudes could do this even better at some point, which is not to say that this was a disappointment, but that nuclear gear that Ishii gets into hasn’t been brought out quite yet, and I think everyone expects Ibushi to do it, but so far he has come up juuuuuuuusst short, which is probably me being a dick and demanding DEATH IN THE RING, but at some point the very big bombs have to start dropping, right? Feel free to tell me I’m an idiot, for that is how we G1 as honest men and lady men.
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